stefan: now ladies and gentlemen, a young man is coming, who often has been a guest here he is touring with his live program through the whole country. please welcome, chris tall *applause* ♪ (music) ♪ thank you! thank you, thank you! i wrote a new program, it is called: "selfie from mom - when parents want to be cool"
it's really enjoyable. it's a lot of fun to write a program. the problem are friends who come along and say: "chris, you have to do it exactly like that" you know, never having stood on a stage before. "you have to do it exactly like that! tell it exactly like that!" and then they say words, they don't understand themselves like "chris you need a message" i say: "i need what?"
"a message!" i say: "i have whatsapp!" so he says:"no that's not enough! you need to tell the people something, something intelligent." "about politics." and guys, that's just rubbish! i don't know a thing about politics. no chance! it doesn't get inside my head at all. politics and me, that's just not working. i don't know this merkel guy.
maybe a nice guy, i wouldn't know. could be. but if i'd have a message, something that's really important to me... then it would be this: you need to laugh more! really, you need to laugh way more. i know there's a few people watching tvtotal right now and saying: "oh now i'll laugh for about an hour and that's enough for the whole year." that's bullshit though.
and you need to tell a lot more jokes. but with every joke nowadays people are asking themselves: "is he allowed to do that?" you tell a joke, then people are supposed to laugh, but they don't they say:"is he allowed to say that?" everyone has a stick up their ass. and i don't only say that in cologne. they all go nuts. "hohhh, is he allowed to do that?"
yes. *applause* there's these people that just don't become happy, they run through the town like: this... "oh everythings shitty! and i don't want to! and nooo!" "he's not allowed to, he isn't. i don't want that." that's mostly these women... *laughter* yes, alright. women, i know,
'woman' is probably not entirely politically correct. that's mostly people with menstruation background. dunno. alright then everyone okay, we let it be. no, doesn't matter. well, come on then no, we let it be. okay listen
guys, you really need to tell more jokes no one ever tells jokes about people in wheelchairs anymore. why not? you need to tell jokes about everyone! about disabled people, gays, black people okay not about gay black people, that would be too much. there's just one rule: you need to also be able to laugh about yourself. don't take yourselves so seriously.
because many say: "i don't make jokes about people in wheelchairs." well then you say you're above them. figuratively speaking. do we have people in wheelchairs here today? stand up please! you see? half of you: "haha", the other half: "is he allowed to say that?" yes, of course!
if i... no, that's important... i had this so often. i had people in wheelchairs in the audience. i tell jokes about people in wheelchairs they themselves laugh the loudest. they clap, they sto- they clap, i had someone in the audience the other night didn't see their legs.
similar to you... he said: "oh you're really great! can i do comedy too?" i say: "of course, why not? i mean it's called 'stand-up' but you can try it!" you can do that. they won't be mad, they sit above that. no i'm not. but what i hate the most is this racist talk i could go nuts about that
many say: "you don't make jokes about black people, that's racist! that's the dumbest thing i ever heard. imagine making jokes about everyone: the photographer here, about you about stefan about everyone, but not about black people because: "they're different!"
do you know what that's called? *silence* 'racism' yes! yes, but that's not racism it's not racism if i tell jokes about black people. of course i'm not talking about: "i think you're dumb cause you're black." of course, i'm not stupid, that's racism.
but of course you can tell jokes about them. black people are normal people. they are normal people. okay: big penis, runs fast. but anyway, that's awesome! i'm the opposite! yes, both at the same time sucks. big penis, running fast. "ow ow ow"
and then without legs today ((special edition of tvtotal where they don't show legs)) really! but the thing is, for example. it could also be that you tell a joke about a black person and they don't laugh. it happens. but in that case, you're not racist, the black guy just doesn't have humor. that's also possible. the other night i had a black person in the audience and at first i thought it's only a white sweater.
hey! i honestly asked very nicely: "is that cotton?" look, a lot of you think that's harsh, but then: "yes, finders keepers." they're not mad at you! and it was so awesome we were dissing us back and forth. i say: "ey black bread."
he says: "ey white bread." we were eye level. okay, you could see his a bit better, but... then another black guy stood up he didn't have a sense of humor. he said: "that's intolerable!" *clicks tongue* "you're probably one of these people that thinks we all look alike." i say: "woah, how did you get there so fast?" ...and changed outfits? you guys are really fast!"
"oh god, is he allowed to say that?" thing is, i also say things like: "i have tits, 110b." always just the women laughing. men: "what is he talking about?" doesn't matter! "i've now upgraded to 4 chins. i'm gonna eat so much now until it becomes one again." different topic! i also tell jokes about myself. and the jokes i love the most, are the ones about stutterers!
i know, they take a bit longer but they're also really awesome. i was on the train the other day, stutterer across from me doing a crosswords i didn't even know he was a stutterer, cause he was writing fluently. and after like half an hour he asks me: "wha wha wha" i say: "wha wha wha what?" "yes wha wha wha..." i say: "wha wha wha what? get to the point dude." so he says: "ha...ha...ho..."
i say: "wh wh wh" "how...how...do you write...re...re...recycling?" i say: "like you say it." and then he... no, then he laughed! he got it! stefan: chris tall! (endcard)